Tag Archives: sadness

Conscripted

who made first choice

unknown to me

was joy in attendance

not mine to imagine

here we are

discretion owned

lament for freedom

gifted purposely

easing into lukewarm

like a wet sponge

ignoring the scent

empty containers

that hide contents

senselessly collected

nourishing faux abstinence

steeped in cursing tirades

wrapped with thankless demands

 


Happy Birthday Justin

Today is my middle son’s birthday. He would have been 27 years old. Living with loss is a funny state of being – we fight it at every turn, always dimly aware that it is inescapable. We create habits to keep us from losing our keys, our place in a book, lists so that we don’t forget one of life’s latest ingredients, we play puzzles to keep from losing our memories and thus, our minds. All this effort to avoid the ultimate equalizer of death. Justin died of SIDS the week before he would have been 6 months old.

Like anyone, I did not want a tremendous loss to be part of my reality. Not me, I don’t belong in this club. A good mom, a great mom…she’s not the mother of a dead child. It’s odd how I let the words of other people sometimes reinforce this falsity. I have to remind myself, they just don’t get it. All of us, regardless of your beliefs, we are human and must investigate our surroundings, our relationships, our relationship to everything through our unique perceptions and abilities. We are not meant to be perfect. If we are lucky we maintain the ability to shift and learn through the lifetime process. If we are luckier still, we have love in our life that is not lost but transformed and weaved into our story. Is it always joyful? No. An easy road? No. Is it worth the risk? Yes.

In past years I’ve often marked anniversary dates with poems to record my feelings regarding the death of Justin. I’ve never wanted to proclaim myself any more knowledgeable than another person on how separation by death feels. I felt that poetry was vague enough to easily be molded to others’ perceptions so that they could decide if there was benefit in my words. I still believe that to be true. Today is different. Today I want to risk being more direct about my feelings regarding Justin. I want you to know about him and the importance he plays in my life and who I am…and who I am becoming. Yes, he is sometimes seen as that tear you want to hide from – sometimes that silly smile as I sing along with an old song – he is part of me…every day. I want you to know so that you can understand why I am celebrating today. Like my other sons and all the important people in my life, Justin is worth celebration.

Please do me a favor as I honor his memory and place in my life and take time today to celebrate those that matter to you. Celebrate them if they are standing next to you, across the country, across the world, in a different belief system, a confusing time in their life, a confusing time in your life, in a difference of opinion, or simply in your memory. Allow me today to be bold enough to proclaim the importance of loving, deeply, with your entire self, even at the risk of losing it all.


Nuthin

you cannot bleach a soul
that has been stained crimson
and brushed with gold


Peculiar Storm

047

sitting in slot canyon

waiting for the light

feeling loss & worry

long has been the night

camping here in silence

hidden from all sight

playing the day over

as if the past won’t bite

tears come in a rainfall

walls, they seem so tight

weeping needs to end soon

extravagance of blight

storms on the horizon

losing at this fight

need to turn around soon

try with all my might


Weekend Call

unknowns can be frightening

even with training

what will this alarm be

odd to train for the hope

that nobody will call

but they generally call

turns out I am best at

silence

seems the best remedy

when nothing can be fixed

slowing my breath

others catch theirs

for a moment

that will no longer be liquid

forever frozen

memory


Pleonastic Mortal

 feeling abandoned & forgotten
we search & seek
 then wish & hope
to be more than an optional accessory
 becoming an eternal phoenix


Silk Thread

how cliche to be on a thin line

but aren’t we all?

spin, bounce, weave, unravel

entangled, forlorn

he knew that he could not fly

spinning lifeline 

hoping for a complete end

bouncing lifeline

the struggle just multiplied

weaving lifeline

thwarted death choices

unraveling lifeline

band of struggling youth

entangled lifeline

lonely in a crowded room

forlorn lifeline

welcome to the rest of the story

life on a line