Peering through
unlocked gates
imagining protection
Peering through
unlived lives
imagining fulfillment
Peering through
unknown eyes
imagining danger
Peering through
through peering
enough peering
Enough
Peering through
unlocked gates
imagining protection
Peering through
unlived lives
imagining fulfillment
Peering through
unknown eyes
imagining danger
Peering through
through peering
enough peering
Enough
Today you’ve been gone 27 years
I can’t pull up your silent body as my immediate memory of you
It’s not gone but far away, where it belongs
That’s a long time to reach for your joyful face
Thank you for all that you’ve taught me, for waiting with me these 27 years
I choose to hear your laughter ringing in my heart, to see a grin that held secrets
I choose to go outside and breathe in deeply, the memory of your smell
Maybe hug my dad a little longer because he smells like you
I choose to stop searching for the memories of you unresponsive in my arms
Instead I will replay the sight of you hooking your toes on the front of your swing
and squealing out in delight
Today I choose to replay all of the living moments of your life that I can reach
I choose to loop them through my soul until joyful tears fall freely
Today, every day, I choose to celebrate that we shared life
That I still get to share life with your dad and brothers
with many that I love
I choose to embrace that I am – that I always have been – the best mom that I know how to be
Today
I choose peace
Today is my middle son’s birthday. He would have been 27 years old. Living with loss is a funny state of being – we fight it at every turn, always dimly aware that it is inescapable. We create habits to keep us from losing our keys, our place in a book, lists so that we don’t forget one of life’s latest ingredients, we play puzzles to keep from losing our memories and thus, our minds. All this effort to avoid the ultimate equalizer of death. Justin died of SIDS the week before he would have been 6 months old.
Like anyone, I did not want a tremendous loss to be part of my reality. Not me, I don’t belong in this club. A good mom, a great mom…she’s not the mother of a dead child. It’s odd how I let the words of other people sometimes reinforce this falsity. I have to remind myself, they just don’t get it. All of us, regardless of your beliefs, we are human and must investigate our surroundings, our relationships, our relationship to everything through our unique perceptions and abilities. We are not meant to be perfect. If we are lucky we maintain the ability to shift and learn through the lifetime process. If we are luckier still, we have love in our life that is not lost but transformed and weaved into our story. Is it always joyful? No. An easy road? No. Is it worth the risk? Yes.
In past years I’ve often marked anniversary dates with poems to record my feelings regarding the death of Justin. I’ve never wanted to proclaim myself any more knowledgeable than another person on how separation by death feels. I felt that poetry was vague enough to easily be molded to others’ perceptions so that they could decide if there was benefit in my words. I still believe that to be true. Today is different. Today I want to risk being more direct about my feelings regarding Justin. I want you to know about him and the importance he plays in my life and who I am…and who I am becoming. Yes, he is sometimes seen as that tear you want to hide from – sometimes that silly smile as I sing along with an old song – he is part of me…every day. I want you to know so that you can understand why I am celebrating today. Like my other sons and all the important people in my life, Justin is worth celebration.
Please do me a favor as I honor his memory and place in my life and take time today to celebrate those that matter to you. Celebrate them if they are standing next to you, across the country, across the world, in a different belief system, a confusing time in their life, a confusing time in your life, in a difference of opinion, or simply in your memory. Allow me today to be bold enough to proclaim the importance of loving, deeply, with your entire self, even at the risk of losing it all.
heaped clothing
eventually washed
yummy remnants
left soaking
puddle splashed
spot treated
paper piles
sorted filed
sleep breath
cleansing brush
heart broken
tears cleanse
I may not know the loss of a continent
or a lover
but I have lived the ripples of a pond
with stone cold drops to the bottom
heart and lungs weighted with life’s heavy rope
to the depths it sent me searching
for a perfect sunrise without a sky
winter’s bloom with no air
the ache of your absent body
answering only to arms of self abuse
houdini existence with me escaping life
wondering why i could not heal
lacking the balm of action
brought from tackling fear anew
stories wash up
upon calm seas
tangled amidst
driftwood shores
images follow
brilliant snapshots
reflecting the sun
funny that
self contained
underwater
breathing
aparatus
turned one into two
synchronizing lives
combining goals
creating a circle
instead of tying a knot
memories are singing
through me, from me
louder than canyon echoes
i watch us
tinting our expressions
with borrowed confidence
we are the parents now
the aunts, the uncles
wanting to pass along
the tribal rites
link arms in communion
surrounding the young
providing a haven
of knowing, of being
with each other
integral to the clan
remaining elders
test the strength
of our bond and purpose
while relaying again
the lyrics of our song
reluctantly i submit
to the changing of the guard