Tag Archives: growth

Unlocked Gates

20160619_190454

Peering through

unlocked gates

imagining protection

Peering through

unlived lives

imagining fulfillment

Peering through

unknown eyes

imagining danger

Peering through

through peering

enough peering

Enough

 

 


Wide-Eyed Dreaming, a Slow Start

20160716_110515

When dawn awakes at a darkened hour

shall I dream or shall I lament

This life is not meant for those that cower

our thoughts alone can detriment

The clouds can shift and storms arise

in my lifetime I can attest

Air that brings forth compromise

can much surprise beset

Day treads forth and unearths details

that represent a life

With small change my heart might sail

others bring me strife

But never trade your wide-eyed dreaming

because things might depart

Allow those tears a cleansing streaming

sometimes the gift is a slow start

 


I am the One who chooses

Today you’ve been gone 27 years

I can’t pull up your silent body as my immediate memory of you

It’s not gone but far away, where it belongs

That’s a long time to reach for your joyful face

Thank you for all that you’ve taught me, for waiting with me these 27 years

 

I choose to hear your laughter ringing in my heart, to see a grin that held secrets

 

I choose to go outside and breathe in deeply, the memory of your smell

Maybe hug my dad a little longer because he smells like you

 

I choose to stop searching for the memories of you unresponsive in my arms

Instead I will replay the sight of you hooking your toes on the front of your swing

and squealing out in delight

 

Today I choose to replay all of the living moments of your life that I can reach

I choose to loop them through my soul until joyful tears fall freely

 

Today, every day, I choose to celebrate that we shared life

That I still get to share life with your dad and brothers

with many that I love

 

I choose to embrace that I am – that I always have been – the best mom that I know how to be

 

Today
I choose peace


Happy Birthday Justin

Today is my middle son’s birthday. He would have been 27 years old. Living with loss is a funny state of being – we fight it at every turn, always dimly aware that it is inescapable. We create habits to keep us from losing our keys, our place in a book, lists so that we don’t forget one of life’s latest ingredients, we play puzzles to keep from losing our memories and thus, our minds. All this effort to avoid the ultimate equalizer of death. Justin died of SIDS the week before he would have been 6 months old.

Like anyone, I did not want a tremendous loss to be part of my reality. Not me, I don’t belong in this club. A good mom, a great mom…she’s not the mother of a dead child. It’s odd how I let the words of other people sometimes reinforce this falsity. I have to remind myself, they just don’t get it. All of us, regardless of your beliefs, we are human and must investigate our surroundings, our relationships, our relationship to everything through our unique perceptions and abilities. We are not meant to be perfect. If we are lucky we maintain the ability to shift and learn through the lifetime process. If we are luckier still, we have love in our life that is not lost but transformed and weaved into our story. Is it always joyful? No. An easy road? No. Is it worth the risk? Yes.

In past years I’ve often marked anniversary dates with poems to record my feelings regarding the death of Justin. I’ve never wanted to proclaim myself any more knowledgeable than another person on how separation by death feels. I felt that poetry was vague enough to easily be molded to others’ perceptions so that they could decide if there was benefit in my words. I still believe that to be true. Today is different. Today I want to risk being more direct about my feelings regarding Justin. I want you to know about him and the importance he plays in my life and who I am…and who I am becoming. Yes, he is sometimes seen as that tear you want to hide from – sometimes that silly smile as I sing along with an old song – he is part of me…every day. I want you to know so that you can understand why I am celebrating today. Like my other sons and all the important people in my life, Justin is worth celebration.

Please do me a favor as I honor his memory and place in my life and take time today to celebrate those that matter to you. Celebrate them if they are standing next to you, across the country, across the world, in a different belief system, a confusing time in their life, a confusing time in your life, in a difference of opinion, or simply in your memory. Allow me today to be bold enough to proclaim the importance of loving, deeply, with your entire self, even at the risk of losing it all.


legacy

lights are low
spirit flat
wondering
always wondering
a twitch
this moment
slow breath
sink into now
how does now
become
me


Half Century

no flapper dress at 50

or tarantulas running wild

no desire for more poison

or acting like a child

 

communing with the living

not bringing back the past

creating from experience

that’s a high that lasts

 

spilling food, drink, & secrets

loving knowledge that i own

surrounded by what matters

finding most of it at home

 

say goodbye to forties

some other decades too

no comparison with others

to myself i am now true

 

 


What’s on my mind?

flavors of love

passionate

eyes closed

screaming love

taking over

sensibilities

emotions

thoughtless love

over the edge

walking the plank

set me on fire

dangerous love

youthful

wild careening

bucking

evasive love

but what if

that is not

love?

hard work

choosing other

abandoning self

wrap around me

boring routine

complete love

sign me up