Tag Archives: grief

dead horses

20160619_180206

how do they run

on broken legs

without their springs

or hearts

how do they see

through faded paint

lacklustre eyes

mind shut

how do they breathe

in stale thoughts

linen wrapped

in death


I am the One who chooses

Today you’ve been gone 27 years

I can’t pull up your silent body as my immediate memory of you

It’s not gone but far away, where it belongs

That’s a long time to reach for your joyful face

Thank you for all that you’ve taught me, for waiting with me these 27 years

 

I choose to hear your laughter ringing in my heart, to see a grin that held secrets

 

I choose to go outside and breathe in deeply, the memory of your smell

Maybe hug my dad a little longer because he smells like you

 

I choose to stop searching for the memories of you unresponsive in my arms

Instead I will replay the sight of you hooking your toes on the front of your swing

and squealing out in delight

 

Today I choose to replay all of the living moments of your life that I can reach

I choose to loop them through my soul until joyful tears fall freely

 

Today, every day, I choose to celebrate that we shared life

That I still get to share life with your dad and brothers

with many that I love

 

I choose to embrace that I am – that I always have been – the best mom that I know how to be

 

Today
I choose peace


Happy Birthday Justin

Today is my middle son’s birthday. He would have been 27 years old. Living with loss is a funny state of being – we fight it at every turn, always dimly aware that it is inescapable. We create habits to keep us from losing our keys, our place in a book, lists so that we don’t forget one of life’s latest ingredients, we play puzzles to keep from losing our memories and thus, our minds. All this effort to avoid the ultimate equalizer of death. Justin died of SIDS the week before he would have been 6 months old.

Like anyone, I did not want a tremendous loss to be part of my reality. Not me, I don’t belong in this club. A good mom, a great mom…she’s not the mother of a dead child. It’s odd how I let the words of other people sometimes reinforce this falsity. I have to remind myself, they just don’t get it. All of us, regardless of your beliefs, we are human and must investigate our surroundings, our relationships, our relationship to everything through our unique perceptions and abilities. We are not meant to be perfect. If we are lucky we maintain the ability to shift and learn through the lifetime process. If we are luckier still, we have love in our life that is not lost but transformed and weaved into our story. Is it always joyful? No. An easy road? No. Is it worth the risk? Yes.

In past years I’ve often marked anniversary dates with poems to record my feelings regarding the death of Justin. I’ve never wanted to proclaim myself any more knowledgeable than another person on how separation by death feels. I felt that poetry was vague enough to easily be molded to others’ perceptions so that they could decide if there was benefit in my words. I still believe that to be true. Today is different. Today I want to risk being more direct about my feelings regarding Justin. I want you to know about him and the importance he plays in my life and who I am…and who I am becoming. Yes, he is sometimes seen as that tear you want to hide from – sometimes that silly smile as I sing along with an old song – he is part of me…every day. I want you to know so that you can understand why I am celebrating today. Like my other sons and all the important people in my life, Justin is worth celebration.

Please do me a favor as I honor his memory and place in my life and take time today to celebrate those that matter to you. Celebrate them if they are standing next to you, across the country, across the world, in a different belief system, a confusing time in their life, a confusing time in your life, in a difference of opinion, or simply in your memory. Allow me today to be bold enough to proclaim the importance of loving, deeply, with your entire self, even at the risk of losing it all.


Pterodactyl Screams

I keep waiting

for a rain

or reign

of knowledge

to hand me freedom

 

in all my waiting

tightly wrapped

as cloak

with dagger

is omnipotent fear

 

perhaps this waiting

births sobriety

of mood

and soul

draining creative thirst

 

leaving me waiting, waiting, waiting

for pterodactyl screams


Nuthin

you cannot bleach a soul
that has been stained crimson
and brushed with gold


Peculiar Storm

047

sitting in slot canyon

waiting for the light

feeling loss & worry

long has been the night

camping here in silence

hidden from all sight

playing the day over

as if the past won’t bite

tears come in a rainfall

walls, they seem so tight

weeping needs to end soon

extravagance of blight

storms on the horizon

losing at this fight

need to turn around soon

try with all my might


Weekend Call

unknowns can be frightening

even with training

what will this alarm be

odd to train for the hope

that nobody will call

but they generally call

turns out I am best at

silence

seems the best remedy

when nothing can be fixed

slowing my breath

others catch theirs

for a moment

that will no longer be liquid

forever frozen

memory