Tag Archives: gratitude

Wide-Eyed Dreaming, a Slow Start

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When dawn awakes at a darkened hour

shall I dream or shall I lament

This life is not meant for those that cower

our thoughts alone can detriment

The clouds can shift and storms arise

in my lifetime I can attest

Air that brings forth compromise

can much surprise beset

Day treads forth and unearths details

that represent a life

With small change my heart might sail

others bring me strife

But never trade your wide-eyed dreaming

because things might depart

Allow those tears a cleansing streaming

sometimes the gift is a slow start

 


Happy Birthday Justin

Today is my middle son’s birthday. He would have been 27 years old. Living with loss is a funny state of being – we fight it at every turn, always dimly aware that it is inescapable. We create habits to keep us from losing our keys, our place in a book, lists so that we don’t forget one of life’s latest ingredients, we play puzzles to keep from losing our memories and thus, our minds. All this effort to avoid the ultimate equalizer of death. Justin died of SIDS the week before he would have been 6 months old.

Like anyone, I did not want a tremendous loss to be part of my reality. Not me, I don’t belong in this club. A good mom, a great mom…she’s not the mother of a dead child. It’s odd how I let the words of other people sometimes reinforce this falsity. I have to remind myself, they just don’t get it. All of us, regardless of your beliefs, we are human and must investigate our surroundings, our relationships, our relationship to everything through our unique perceptions and abilities. We are not meant to be perfect. If we are lucky we maintain the ability to shift and learn through the lifetime process. If we are luckier still, we have love in our life that is not lost but transformed and weaved into our story. Is it always joyful? No. An easy road? No. Is it worth the risk? Yes.

In past years I’ve often marked anniversary dates with poems to record my feelings regarding the death of Justin. I’ve never wanted to proclaim myself any more knowledgeable than another person on how separation by death feels. I felt that poetry was vague enough to easily be molded to others’ perceptions so that they could decide if there was benefit in my words. I still believe that to be true. Today is different. Today I want to risk being more direct about my feelings regarding Justin. I want you to know about him and the importance he plays in my life and who I am…and who I am becoming. Yes, he is sometimes seen as that tear you want to hide from – sometimes that silly smile as I sing along with an old song – he is part of me…every day. I want you to know so that you can understand why I am celebrating today. Like my other sons and all the important people in my life, Justin is worth celebration.

Please do me a favor as I honor his memory and place in my life and take time today to celebrate those that matter to you. Celebrate them if they are standing next to you, across the country, across the world, in a different belief system, a confusing time in their life, a confusing time in your life, in a difference of opinion, or simply in your memory. Allow me today to be bold enough to proclaim the importance of loving, deeply, with your entire self, even at the risk of losing it all.


Jupiter Crossing

Time splits, arrow through apple

moment held as a camera flash

Two boys, smiling by a tree

no thoughts of bearded faces

Orbits created, joy magnified

creatures that leap and bound

Time cracks, hammer to stone

picture on yellowing paper

Two teens, always headed out

looking for keys to autonomy

Patience sits, tail wagging

waiting for moons to set

Time rips, heart is bared

vision crisply riding the air

Two men, glancing homeward

remembering lessons learned

Planet rests, stops rotation

drifting off to final repose


Firecracker

birds

eight, nine, ten

landing on branches

bending from slight weight

not losing a note of their song

how explosive, daylight freedom

no solid ground required for flight

bang

bang

bang


life pulse

a heart sits

behind the eyes

viewing private tapes

living moments 

abiding in between

interpretations found

rendering verdicts

composing diversions

making silent wishes

until it beats no longer

light goes dim

curtains close

others look for meaning


Ever Thankful

serendipity surrounds
as sun seeped slopes
erupt in evergreen hopeful
blazing hearts and trails
leaving mind to wander off
into silent slumbering solitude
soul communing with live
beating drums of eternal embrace
discovering earthen tribes that
become the rhythm that sways
branches of the tallest sycamore
while cradling the possibilities


Goodbye Sandman

my muse appeared
with sand dusted feathers

said she had wrangled
the beast i’m always chasing
upstairs, downstairs
across a sleepy town

it made my eyes feel heavy
like a quilt of cotton batting
had been laid across my lids
peace of elders withered arms
wrapped tight around
my tired soul

she made no promises
just told me to sleep
like daytime’s chores
then look for her tomorrow