Tag Archives: friends

Happy Birthday Justin

Today is my middle son’s birthday. He would have been 27 years old. Living with loss is a funny state of being – we fight it at every turn, always dimly aware that it is inescapable. We create habits to keep us from losing our keys, our place in a book, lists so that we don’t forget one of life’s latest ingredients, we play puzzles to keep from losing our memories and thus, our minds. All this effort to avoid the ultimate equalizer of death. Justin died of SIDS the week before he would have been 6 months old.

Like anyone, I did not want a tremendous loss to be part of my reality. Not me, I don’t belong in this club. A good mom, a great mom…she’s not the mother of a dead child. It’s odd how I let the words of other people sometimes reinforce this falsity. I have to remind myself, they just don’t get it. All of us, regardless of your beliefs, we are human and must investigate our surroundings, our relationships, our relationship to everything through our unique perceptions and abilities. We are not meant to be perfect. If we are lucky we maintain the ability to shift and learn through the lifetime process. If we are luckier still, we have love in our life that is not lost but transformed and weaved into our story. Is it always joyful? No. An easy road? No. Is it worth the risk? Yes.

In past years I’ve often marked anniversary dates with poems to record my feelings regarding the death of Justin. I’ve never wanted to proclaim myself any more knowledgeable than another person on how separation by death feels. I felt that poetry was vague enough to easily be molded to others’ perceptions so that they could decide if there was benefit in my words. I still believe that to be true. Today is different. Today I want to risk being more direct about my feelings regarding Justin. I want you to know about him and the importance he plays in my life and who I am…and who I am becoming. Yes, he is sometimes seen as that tear you want to hide from – sometimes that silly smile as I sing along with an old song – he is part of me…every day. I want you to know so that you can understand why I am celebrating today. Like my other sons and all the important people in my life, Justin is worth celebration.

Please do me a favor as I honor his memory and place in my life and take time today to celebrate those that matter to you. Celebrate them if they are standing next to you, across the country, across the world, in a different belief system, a confusing time in their life, a confusing time in your life, in a difference of opinion, or simply in your memory. Allow me today to be bold enough to proclaim the importance of loving, deeply, with your entire self, even at the risk of losing it all.

life pulse

a heart sits

behind the eyes

viewing private tapes

living moments 

abiding in between

interpretations found

rendering verdicts

composing diversions

making silent wishes

until it beats no longer

light goes dim

curtains close

others look for meaning

I Woke Crying

your loss

it brings me to my knees

begging that you be cradled

in giant, loving arms

to hold you tight

because the fall is long

but all the time is needed

to weave a net

from loving memories

the strongest threads


A Message for Soul Dose (A Copy of Luisa Doraz’s Post)

Soul Dose has been fighting an illness, and she is feeling lost right now. She has exhausted all of her options in South Africa, where she lives now with her family. In my opinion, she needs to seek a charitable foundation in this world of ours, that will take on her illness…and find some answers for her. Her family resources are limited and almost depleted. If ANYONE knows of ANY PLACE that can HELP, Soul Dose PLEASE go to her blog, and pass it on. I am going to start looking on the internet for her to see what I can find. YOUR LOVE AND COMPASSION IN THIS MATTER IS DEEPLY APPRECIATED.

Like others, I am passing along the message that Luisa Doraz at Believe In Yourself has so eloquently constructed on Silindile Ntuli’s behalf. Please visit Soul Dose for more information on her illness and to pass along any sort of assistance you can provide.

On My Mind

what’s on the fridge
some childhood art
life’s freedom painted
from nephew hands

what’s on the table
gifts of light, burned
not saved but spent
in bright friendship

what’s on the counter
wine to share, bread
to break with others
make a meal complete

what’s on the desk
notes, words, paint
pencil, pen, brush
thoughts for later

what’s on the pillow
an inviting spot
to rest my head
in a silent dream


Cinquain Aim


fleeting days

laughing, enjoying, immersing

never last long enough


Happy Weekend

so easy to forget the camera
after all, it’s only the weekend
just time with children i adore
just kicking back with loved ones
just hanging out with longtime friends
no fancy backdrop in this moment
no cash backed spending spree
no special occasion to gather near
after all, it’s only the weekend
why spend it holding a camera

Chasing Shadows


i hadn’t thought of you

except as a catalyst for blame

in a long while


tonight i remembered

tarantulas running wild

a sun made of ice

slow warming hearts

that melted


i always thought you

would be a keeper

of puddled dreams

but you chased a shadow

caught it by the tail

barely glancing back


i watched

the last drops


into the dry air

of a colorado summer



Heartfelt Thank You



I want to send a heartfelt thank you out to April and Shraddha over at The Self Love Project for bestowing the One Lovely Blog Award to me today.  They bestowed it for my insightful musings.  Insightful is a tall order, I’ll do my best!  Thank you again ladies.  Everyone be sure to visit them for insights on reinvention…we all need to learn to love ourselves before we can pour it out freely.

Package Deal

i try to compartmentalize my life each day

intellectual challenges go in the filing cabinet

emotionally charged items I hide in my pillow

spiritual questions light a path through the woods

it is an attempt to appear strong and invincible

but filing cabinets are only as organized as their keeper

though i try, changing the case doesn’t remove tearstains 

and those woods, they are incredibly easy to get lost in

so i live my life in separate sections, just trying to maintain

thinking i might be the only one that can’t juggle fast enough

flips and spins are suddenly disrupted when tragedy strikes

it doesn’t even have to belong to me, if it belongs to you, it is ours

i attempt to straighten files and make sense of the senseless

my tears streak down my face rather than being muffled by feathers

lifting my head, i search for a breeze to bring back significance

remembering that it is a package deal, the pieces make me whole