I kept looking to those purple roses today
all the words
that would make it plain
without bogging anyone else down
You were here
I am me because you were you
and we were in an intersection of time
both solid and without discernable boundaries
a single note of a sterling song
that remains in tune as each chord is struck
memories building the melody
until the refrain doesn’t need the lyrics
because the moments are the perfection
that create a universal ballad
when one stops to listen to a heart
that grieves a heart that stopped
When dawn awakes at a darkened hour
shall I dream or shall I lament
This life is not meant for those that cower
our thoughts alone can detriment
The clouds can shift and storms arise
in my lifetime I can attest
Air that brings forth compromise
can much surprise beset
Day treads forth and unearths details
that represent a life
With small change my heart might sail
others bring me strife
But never trade your wide-eyed dreaming
because things might depart
Allow those tears a cleansing streaming
sometimes the gift is a slow start
Today is my middle son’s birthday. He would have been 27 years old. Living with loss is a funny state of being – we fight it at every turn, always dimly aware that it is inescapable. We create habits to keep us from losing our keys, our place in a book, lists so that we don’t forget one of life’s latest ingredients, we play puzzles to keep from losing our memories and thus, our minds. All this effort to avoid the ultimate equalizer of death. Justin died of SIDS the week before he would have been 6 months old.
Like anyone, I did not want a tremendous loss to be part of my reality. Not me, I don’t belong in this club. A good mom, a great mom…she’s not the mother of a dead child. It’s odd how I let the words of other people sometimes reinforce this falsity. I have to remind myself, they just don’t get it. All of us, regardless of your beliefs, we are human and must investigate our surroundings, our relationships, our relationship to everything through our unique perceptions and abilities. We are not meant to be perfect. If we are lucky we maintain the ability to shift and learn through the lifetime process. If we are luckier still, we have love in our life that is not lost but transformed and weaved into our story. Is it always joyful? No. An easy road? No. Is it worth the risk? Yes.
In past years I’ve often marked anniversary dates with poems to record my feelings regarding the death of Justin. I’ve never wanted to proclaim myself any more knowledgeable than another person on how separation by death feels. I felt that poetry was vague enough to easily be molded to others’ perceptions so that they could decide if there was benefit in my words. I still believe that to be true. Today is different. Today I want to risk being more direct about my feelings regarding Justin. I want you to know about him and the importance he plays in my life and who I am…and who I am becoming. Yes, he is sometimes seen as that tear you want to hide from – sometimes that silly smile as I sing along with an old song – he is part of me…every day. I want you to know so that you can understand why I am celebrating today. Like my other sons and all the important people in my life, Justin is worth celebration.
Please do me a favor as I honor his memory and place in my life and take time today to celebrate those that matter to you. Celebrate them if they are standing next to you, across the country, across the world, in a different belief system, a confusing time in their life, a confusing time in your life, in a difference of opinion, or simply in your memory. Allow me today to be bold enough to proclaim the importance of loving, deeply, with your entire self, even at the risk of losing it all.
Shakira over at You Are Never Alone presented me with this Easter gift basket for a cause. I would like to pass this along to all my readers so that we are sure to hit the donation maximum. Please consider posting this fun basket and participating in Hershey’s Better Basket Blog Hop. Rules and such:
Join Hershey’s Better Basket Blog Hop and
help to raise $5,000 for the Children’s Miracle Network.
Hershey has partnered with the Children’s Miracle Network
for over 20 years. CMN is a non-profit alliance of children’s hospitals dedicated to providing state-of-the-art care, life-saving research and preventative education across North America.
This Easter, Hershey’s will donate up to a total of $5,000 to the Children’s Miracle Network together with bloggers.
How can we do this together? It’s simple:
- Participate to Hershey’s Better Basket Blog Hop of giving away virtual Easter Baskets by creating a blog post with specific rules described here.
- Hershey Company will donate $10 per each blog post to CMN, up to total of $5,000.
- One blog post per URL counts towards the donation, but you can give as many virtual Easter baskets as you want.
- The Hershey’s Better Basket Blog Hop will officially begin at 12 AM EST on March 18th and end at 12 PM EST on April 4th, 2010. Blog posts submitted to us before or after that time period will not be counted for.
- The blog post link has to be submitted to us for the donation to be counted.
- In addition copy and paste the following text in your blog post:
HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES
- Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.
- Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
- Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
- Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
- Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
- Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).
- Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation