I am deeply humbled by many things. When I lie awake for hours in the middle of the night I struggle with the wrongs I replay, real or imagined. Thank you for sprinkling my life with moments that jar me from my stupor. The fear, doubt, and lack of faith I battle are met with reminders of what you have tried to teach me. The desire of a stranger to touch the hem of a tattered robe. The willingness of a stranger to approach me as a child of my creator. The faithful following the procession along a dangerous path. The faithful encouraging me as I wander about searching for the right road to follow. A turn of cheek and acceptance of wrongful persecution. My two grown sons, curious at actions rather than angry at individuals. The excruciating separation from your son, your children, caused by sin. The ongoing grief over the death of my son that waxes, wanes, and causes a search for meaning. I look about and see war between countries, political parties, belief systems, strangers, friends, family, and we even create them between fictional characters… I feel attacked, unworthy, tired, and angry… I want to create dividing lines and make them pay… I want to hurt those that are petty with my children… I want to be right so they can be wrong… I want what you have shown me is not healthy for my life. I need to learn that they, them, the others…are me. I need to learn to forgive or continue to be condemned to this ugly battle. Please teach me to forgive so that I may be forgiven. Teach me to love more fully even though it will make me more vulnerable. Teach me to learn. I am filled with gratitude for your continued attempts, please don’t give up on me yet.
August 5, 2011