Yesterday I fractured
when a stranger looked right at me
not through me
as those who know me sometimes do
it felt odd to exist for a person
that has no history of me
I split into pieces in my effort to hide
avoiding ownership of fragments
but somehow he found me
now it is difficult not to be honest
these pieces look pretty in the light
but shattered remnants cannot walk through the dark
found a crayon
a green crayon
grass, boogers, envy
it scribbled on my heart
blocking all my senses
until I didn’t make sense
making me long for
a static gray
I’m easy to dent
it may have always been this way
walked through, left open, slammed shut
a forceful punch puts a hole in my core
no easy way to patch, it always leaves a scar
now unhinged and homeless
searching for a way to re-purpose
table to eat upon
desk for recording history
bookshelf of others’ stories
or
filled up and left solid
lying in wait was more tolerable than lying in worry
watching for her to peer around the corner
sprinkling sparkling remnants to be crafted into
something, anything
pretending that words could matter on a screen to
someone, anyone
but the visits became more sparse
returning me to words that drift on air from
one ear, another ear
leaving me wondering if ownership exists
when attitudes are hurled like a storm
nobody recording the cold temperature of rejections
or the burn of a verbal punch landed on another
denial the likely outcome of useless confrontation
and the mantra, buzzing in my head
“what other people think of me is none of my business”
so less so should their shenanigans towards one another be mine
or is that true
do you ever stop mothering, do they cease to be your child
I am old enough to know that ridicule is a beast
in the pocket of the unleasher
how do I convey that to a young man
that is trying to trust, trying to love
in a world where even those closest to you
disappoint
standing at an asphalt junction
with a stranger that filled every space with himself
I gave the wrong answer.
What do I do?
I love, nurture, create
I cook, hike, bike
I breathe fast, I breathe slow
I plan, I’m spontaneous
I change my mind
I think, revel, stew
I love big, huge, and small
I discover, hide, ignore
I leave space for others because I know that I exist
no need to prove it by filling all of your space
What do I do?
I live
on purpose, without purpose
I laugh more than I cry
reflect within, reflect without
the mirror is ME
the mirror is YOU
we live
I dance
with rolling hips and laughing heart
I may not know the loss of a continent
or a lover
but I have lived the ripples of a pond
with stone cold drops to the bottom
heart and lungs weighted with life’s heavy rope
to the depths it sent me searching
for a perfect sunrise without a sky
winter’s bloom with no air
the ache of your absent body
answering only to arms of self abuse
houdini existence with me escaping life
wondering why i could not heal
lacking the balm of action
brought from tackling fear anew
serpents roll as liar’s tongue
across the burning flesh
nesting further at the breast
to bring about the test
surface breaks, waves are born
upon the sea of calm
death of self renew us now
precipitate the storm
